Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Nostalgia meets the future

I haven't posted anything meaningful in a long time. Sorry about that!
Sometimes, I just want life to stop moving so fast...and at other times I want it to speed up so I can get to where I'd rather be.

Today is one of the former.
I find myself very nostalgic...and not about anything particular at all...just in general. Sometimes I want to go back to a simpler time that had nothing to do with homework, rehearsals, frustrations about those things, not having enough time to do dishes or clean your room...heck not even having to do dishes or clean your room!! I really miss days of playing in the woods until supper, spotlight at night, SLED RIDING IN THE WINTER!!!!!

At the same time, today is the latter.
I miss my boyfriend a TREMENDOUS amount, but he's 7 hours away...on top of that, he's not feel well today...so I really want to speed up to August so I can be with him everyday instead of 3 days out of 75+. It's extremely painful to be so far apart. At times it's hard to go through each day getting everything accomplished for the day that I need to accomplish because all I want to do is drive to Louisville and sit with him for 5 minutes just to drive back. (Though we all know that's not feasible, so I won't REALLY do it...but only because I don't have the time to...) It sucks that he can't be here to see me in opera...or jazz...or idol. (He's trying, but I won't let him because it's super expensive to make that many trips and even if either of us had that kind of money, he has a lot of schoolwork to do).
My first instinct, being a girl who's struggled with letting people get close to her, is to push him away because somewhere in my mind I think that it will hurt less...HOWEVER, that's the dumbest thing that's ever entered my brain. (And, I must add, that it hasn't entered it for a VERY long time, so don't worry baby!) But the more I go through my days without him...the more it's very evident that it hurts a little more each day because he isn't here. SO pushing him away would be the opposite of a resolution to the situation.
It just sucks.
That's all I can say about it. I can't really put how I'm feeling into words. At the present moment, I don't want to talk to anyone...I don't want to see anyone...I don't want to have this Masquerade party tomorrow night...I don't want to walk downstairs because it's a mess, even though I cleaned it a week ago...
I don't want to talk to B because that means I'll actually have to deal with the pain in my heart. I've always been one to keep everything in (ask anyone who's known me for any significant length of time). Instead of dealing with it at the time it's happening, I tend to displace it somehow. I know I need to talk to B...and actually...*it's taken me 5 minutes just to write this paragraph*...I want to talk to him about it. I want to deal with it. No matter how anyone tries, no one can make me feel better except Bryan...so I'm not sure why on EARTH I'd ever not want to talk to him about it.
Sometimes...I'm a dumb girl.
I'm going to call my boyfriend in 15 minutes when he gets out of his Church History class and actually deal with what's happening in my heart. A novel idea!



...sorry this is super stream-of-consciousness.


*Something tells me that discussing the chapter in "Lies Women Believe" about Emotions in Bible study tonight is going to kick me in the face...as I often let them run my life...see above post.*

2 comments:

Katy said...

I'm not saying I think it's NOT, however if it's true love this will pass and actually bring you guys closer in the long run.

Take it from someone who has been there. In the grand scheme of things, 9 months really isn't a long time. I mean, you could grow a baby in that amount of time! (don't go doing that right now though young lady!!) but it's a good example and you get what I'm saying.

I know I'm not B and honestly, I don't want to be. However, I do have a good ear and shoulder and I have been there and remember what it's like. I know we're only separated by a couple years, but it's amazing what a couple years can do for you.

If you need the shoulder, ear, or words of experience I can give you let me know.

I LOVE YOU!!

Unknown said...

It's good to hear you admitting your faults, Samantha Lee. While it's not something you and I have ever talked about, I've always known that, while you've always been this strong, funny person on the outside, you've never truly dealt with relationship issues that go on within your heart and soul (which sounds ironically similar, now that I think about it... Hmm...). Recognizing this aspect of yourself is fantastic and I'm really glad you've done it. You're incredibly strong, dear friend. We need a phone conversation soon.