I had 2 very intense nightmares last night. They were very specific with very specific people involved. As opposed to the type of dreams including people you know, but you can't see their faces, you just KNOW it's them.
My first nightmare went a little something like this:
I was with a girl I know from home named Rachel, and we were somewhere in our hometown at a rival basketball game. During this basketball game we ended up doing some type of trick snowboarding? or something like that. Afterward, a new basketball game was about to start, so we decided to sell things we'd made. We took my other friend Sommer, and what seemed to be Melissa with us to sell stuff. I remember having to park miles away from this game and take a shuttle to our car because there was no parking, so instead of driving to our retail set up, we walked (about 5 miles). I had my video camera out filming ridiculous parts of the evening, including the location we'd chosen to set up shop. It was down a holler in the middle of nowhere. There was a field next to us on our right and a small house a bit farther down the field on our left. The people from the house came out and chatted with us for awhile. They were extremely kind and all was well. Nightfall hit and these people started shooting at us!!!! So the 4 of us had to run the entire 5 miles back to our cars, but we didn't make it to them...Instead we ended up somewhere near an ocean. When we woke up the next morning NONE of us could remember what had happened. We didn't know where we were or what we had been doing prior to the running. We couldn't even remember where the actual location of the shooting site was. Another friend of mine from high school, Chris Brewster, ended up in the same place and he kept asking us if we'd see the hotel in the middle of the water...Eventually, we remembered that yes, we'd passed a hotel on an island that looked like it was the only thing there, but we weren't sure why it was significant. When I finally got to my mom's, I was trying to explain what had happened, but I had no recollection of anything. I then remembered the video camera! We watched everything, and took off driving to find the house of the people that shot at us. They were coal truck drivers and somehow I managed to push over one of the trucks. The guy was fine, but they knew that someone had tampered with their truck. Mom and I were still sitting on the side of the road and she tried to play it off as if we'd just stumbled upon the accident, but the guy knew better. He said he would give us a call and that we could go on our way, but his eyes definitely let us know he was going to follow us to kill us... then I WOKE UP!
It was awful!
THEN, I went back to sleep and had a dream that my old friend Levi died! I remember a car explosion being in that one, and some crazy girl who had brain washed him. He was looking around from his coffin, but he was dead...it was creepy. I talked to his mom after the funeral and she said that she had some things for me and to make sure that some specific girl (the brain washer) didn't get her hands on any of it...She said he'd written up a will because he knew he was going to die... Then I grieved and woke up.
Ugh. I've been having nightmares/dreams constantly for the past week. I'd like to sleep please.
What in the world happened to television? With the exception of a small handful of shows, the rest is just white noise! Every station has fallen prey to this, but the WORST has to be MTV!
They were at the head of the reality curve when The Real World started in 1992. Since then, they have filmed something like 21 seasons, but that's neither here nor there. Right now, there is a show by Paris Hilton called "My New BFF"! (WHAT?!) It's essentially like The Bachelor, only she doesn't date them, just tries to find her new BFF. (At least that's what it looks like...I just stumbled on this show today and I don't plan on watching much more.) What happened to shows like Daria and My So-Called Life!? Better yet, what the heck happened to MTV!? It was bad enough when they started having more TV shows than videos...then they started to cut TRL so only part of the video was shown, but now this!? And of ALL people...Paris Hilton!? How does someone get THAT famous with that little talent? I'll never get it.
I'm very confused right now and I think I died a little inside today...
I have an uncanny ability to mask my emotions and not let people in too deep. I'm not sure from where it stems, nor does it really matter at this moment, but I am just beginning to realize how acutely it affects my performing ability. I've known how guarded I am for years. That in and of itself is nothing new. I have always known other people much better than they know me.
When I was a Freshman in college and at the top of the curve vocally, it didn't really matter that I didn't perform well. "You're a freshman, that's just how it is." It was overlooked and not usually talked about. When being critiqued, MOST of the time it was on technical things. The farther I went along in college, the better I got, but I was still very disconnected from my character and what I was singing about. Instead of conveying a real character with distinct emotions, I protrayed a mood. (A step up from the beginning years of standing there looking like I was reading words somewhere out in the audience). I have a minor in Theatre. My acting teachers liked me, and apparently saw SOME sort of potential in my abilities as an actress, so they invited me to join the senior acting studio in their Shakespeare class. I had a blast, learned a lot, and thought I walked away with valuable information I would be able to put into my performances. Then came my senior recital. I was so pumped to put all this new acting knowledge into my interpretation of these wonderful pieces. I did background work, developed inner monologues, and numerous things in preparation for my final "prove yourself as a performance major" performance. The day came and what happened? I stood by the piano, conveyed a mood, and sang. ... Yep.
All that information was really to prep this: I have been working with 2 friends recently on a different aspect of singing. We are working on more musical theatre than I've ever done. (If you're reading this, Dr. Sherman, don't worry, I'm very conscious of my vocal health.) We're working on a lot of Jason Robert Brown pieces and he writes very matter-of-fact lyrics. There's not much need for lyrical interpretation because he says exactly what he means. This has been a WONDERFUL thing to jump into because it leaves the "what is really going on here" guess work out of it. (Don't get me wrong, I LOVE interpreting pieces, but it's a nice change of pace.) HOWEVER, due to the blatant nature of the pieces, there's no way to hide behind whatever wall I have built that has always protected me from being vulnerable on stage. This is quite possibly the most terrifying thing on the planet for me. It shouldn't be. There are 2 other people in the room and both of them love me and want me to succeed. It's not like I'm standing in front of the critiquing eyes of the voice majors in my undergrad. The environment we have this summer is very nurturing. This school is a great place to heal those many things that keep my wall steadily in place, but for some reason, I'm still unable to let go. I have NO trouble playing the character roles. I will make a fool out of myself on stage any day of the week for the sake of the show, heck, I do that every day anyway, but typical character roles are one dimensional...The things we've been working on have multiple layers, and I'm having a hard time allowing myself to dig deep enough in front of others to show them. It's affecting me though. Will isn't letting Ruthanne or me get away with keeping our guard up, and that's a good thing. I didn't realize that once you open this can of worms, it's hard to close it up at will, so I've been an emotional basket case for a couple weeks. (I just realized that's where the crazy has its roots, by the way). I'm finally stating to let some of those emotions come to the surface. I'm glad it's happening, but it's also a tough pill to swallow and in our lesson today, I had trouble managing those emotions. I'm not sure if all performers get like this, or if it's just me, but I can see how it's possible.
I'm not really sure if this post had any type of flow or not, but I don't really care. I'm just glad it's all out!
If you haven't already, you should check it out. He's definitely the most intelligent person I've ever met, but he has a way of writing about theology that doesn't make me feel stupid for not having the knowledge in the first place.
I think you would all benefit from a look at his blog!
My sleep schedule is completely normal for someone who works 2nd shift, but it's not so normal to function well in the rest of the world.
You see, I typically go in to work at 3 or 4pm. This puts me home anywhere from 9-midnight depending on the day. If I could go directly to sleep upon my return from work, I wouldn't really have a problem, but I can't. It takes me quite a while to wind down from the busyness of the day. Perhaps if I wasn't on my feet, running around the entire shift, I might have a bit easier of a time, but this is not the case.
Because I have to wind down first, I'm not in bed until 1am, some nights (like last weekend) it wasn't until 3. *I actually laid down and had to get up an hour later because I was still wide awake, which is why I laid down again at 3*.
That would be fine with me. I'm ok going to bed that late because I still try to get my 8 hours of sleep and USUALLY, I do!
The problem starts on those days when I have to get up early to get things done, or go to piano class, or be at church at 9am. On those days, I look like death warmed over and have the disposition of the Hulk. I try not to, but I need those sweet 7-8 hours of sleep a night...
So instead of sleeping (the husband has been out cold for about 30 minutes now), I'm in the living room writing this blog, wishing I had something more significant to say, but I don't.
So there you go...a blog about my sleeping habits...instead of something "honest" or "interesting" like I mentioned in my previous post... Old habits die hard, I suppose.
I have decided that it's time this blog gets a face lift, both aesthetically and in regards to subject matter. The only reason I have a blog (or have ever had one) is to make sure people in my life can keep up with what's going on in my little corner of the world. I still aim to keep it that way, but there needs to be a bit more depth sometimes. I'm sure it's not easy for my friends to read "we got our cat a new litter box today" and such other dull boring details every time they visit my page! I am entering a phase of my life where I'm trying to become more honest with myself. I'm not really sure how that will go, or what that will look like here, but we'll see. I've never been one for baring my soul - especially on the internet, so I make no guarantees for this blog, but I'm tired of looking through past posts and only having minute details documented.
I would just like to keep my friends and family informed (honestly) about what's going on in life!
Hopefully, that will begin with a more faithful approach to writing...
Bryan and I got married 2 weeks ago and I figured it was time to post a few pictures for those of you who haven't stalked my facebook for them! :D I don't have the professional ones yet, so these are all swiped from my wonderful friends!
We got married here:
My momma made my dress!
Bryan's momma made the AMAZING cake!
Those are a few to hold you over until I get some really good shots up! <3
I love Jesus, I'm studying Worship and voice at Southern Seminary, I am married to the coolest guy on the planet, I wait tables to pay the bills, I love being on stage, and I wear heels whenever I can despite being taller than 75% of the population.