Saturday, July 12, 2008

AI auditions make me a nut case...

Yes, I do realize it's 20 after 2 in the morning, but a heart is never quiet when it's convenient and I just really need to process some stuff. I figure if I type it all out somewhere, I'll be able to go back and re-read it to help get some clarity. If I do it on this thing, I'll at least be able to get SOME feedback.

**WARNING: This post is highly over dramatic and very stream of consciousness.**

Ok, so American Idol season 8 auditions are in Louisville next week! When I found this out a few hours ago, I got all giddy and excited and my stomach dropped to my toes. (I know lame, right!?) My first instinct was to do it just for fun. After all, I auditioned for season 4 and had a complete blast. Granted, I didn't get past the first round of producers and neither did any of the people I was with, but it was still a lot of fun. So, Louise and I decided why not...let's do it.
Bryan, who is super supportive despite his hatred of the show, just advised me to think a little farther ahead than I want to. Because I'm convinced that I won't get ANYWHERE with it. But he asked me to think about what happens if I actually do make it through the producers to Simon, Randy, and Paula, and they say, "welcome to Hollywood." What next?

You're all probably thinking...you GO stupid, duh, but it's not that simple. 4 years ago when I auditioned, I was in a place where I would have had no reason not to go. I was also in a different, not so good at all, place spiritually. Now I'm not going to get on a rant about how you can't be a Christian in the music industry, or anything even remotely close to that, so don't worry. But I AM going to try to sort out what I'm supposed to do with life, and how easily swayed I can be at times. I really feel like I'm called to Southern for music ministry. I have NO idea what that will actually look like when I'm finished with the program, but I'm supposed to be there. (A thought that actually from time to time, I STILL doubt.) Some round(s) of the competition happen in November. I have no idea when in November, and also no idea if that means I would have to miss school...which will NOT happen by the way. If I DO get through it all...I'd have to take off the 2nd semester to do it...we ALL know how ridiculously long that season is. Am I ready to possibly do that?

Also,how do you go about ministering in that type of environment? I know people do it every day, but how do they do it? I think to myself, "I can be a good role model...a good influence...etc" but look at all those "good role models"...Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, etc. When those girls came out, they were looked up to by younger girls (even though Britney's first video was scandalous, but at any rate, Jessica Simpson!) Her early interviews and videos and all that stuff were wholesome! Look at her *them* now. The Hollywood lifestyle does things to people. It's a dark and depraved place. I mean, it sucks me in from way over here sometimes...here in Southern, WV I get wrapped up in things that go on over there and I have NOTHING to do with it! It's that selfish, human desire to be famous. I have that. I can't lie about it. It's there. I'd love to have people idolizing me and my voice as if it's something I actually did myself...but it's not. None of it is me. It's God. The ONLY reason I have the ability to sing is because God designed me that way. I have to figure out if doing AI would be glorifying to Him. Even if I don't have to think about ANY of this stuff and it turns out to be simply a great trip with my best friend...is THAT glorifying to Him? I already know what the AI audition experience is like. Do I really need to find out again?
Of course part of me *most likely the human part* is excited and is pushing to go through with it, but the other part of me is really unsettled.
Like I said earlier, I go back and forth a lot about what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. Do I really need to put myself in a situation that I KNOW is going to result in yet another long series of doubts?

And taking it from another perspective that has nothing to do with my emotional issues...here are some practical questions I need to ask myself:

Do I want that kind of life?
Do I want that kind of reality TV, possibly have millions watching my dream potentially get crushed?
Is that even my dream anymore?
Is it what GOD has in store for me?
I don't want to be the next American Idol...I really don't. What I would love from it is the chance to do other stuff...Broadway, etc...but are there even roles out there that I would be comfortable doing without compromising my morals?
These are the kinds of questions popping into my head. And I'm sure it's probably good that they are, but I have no idea what the answers are.
Of course I'd love to be famous in that 'I'm a 23 year old, day dreaming, American who only sees the over-glamourized side of fame' kind of way...but I don't know that I'd want the type of attention that caused cameras to be in my face all the time. I mean, I didn't even like getting the attention after Mountaineer Idol was over! The day after I was ok with it, but after that I was like, "ok it's time for it to stop now thank you."
And I realize that this is a lot to think about when it comes to even AUDITIONING *aka, going up against THOUSANDS of others with 30 seconds to try to impress a producer enough to send you through to another round where you do the same thing...and different people like different sounds, so out of the 10+ people you could possibly end up in front of, you have to hope that your sound is what they like.* So really...I mean my chances are VERY slim to none, but I feel like I should think about these things before I put myself in a situation where I can't say, "no."
Does that make sense? Or do I just sound like a neurotic girl babbling about some unrealistic pipedream? (ok I KNOW I sound like the latter, but does the thought process even make sense?)

Maybe by tomorrow I'll read this and realize how ridiculous I actually sound. I also think I'm the only person in the WORLD worrying about this...
It's late and I have church in about 7.5 hours.
Goodnight.

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