I have an uncanny ability to mask my emotions and not let people in too deep. I'm not sure from where it stems, nor does it really matter at this moment, but I am just beginning to realize how acutely it affects my performing ability.
I've known how guarded I am for years. That in and of itself is nothing new. I have always known other people much better than they know me.
When I was a Freshman in college and at the top of the curve vocally, it didn't really matter that I didn't perform well. "You're a freshman, that's just how it is." It was overlooked and not usually talked about. When being critiqued, MOST of the time it was on technical things. The farther I went along in college, the better I got, but I was still very disconnected from my character and what I was singing about. Instead of conveying a real character with distinct emotions, I protrayed a mood. (A step up from the beginning years of standing there looking like I was reading words somewhere out in the audience).
I have a minor in Theatre. My acting teachers liked me, and apparently saw SOME sort of potential in my abilities as an actress, so they invited me to join the senior acting studio in their Shakespeare class. I had a blast, learned a lot, and thought I walked away with valuable information I would be able to put into my performances.
Then came my senior recital. I was so pumped to put all this new acting knowledge into my interpretation of these wonderful pieces. I did background work, developed inner monologues, and numerous things in preparation for my final "prove yourself as a performance major" performance. The day came and what happened? I stood by the piano, conveyed a mood, and sang.
...
Yep.
All that information was really to prep this:
I have been working with 2 friends recently on a different aspect of singing. We are working on more musical theatre than I've ever done. (If you're reading this, Dr. Sherman, don't worry, I'm very conscious of my vocal health.) We're working on a lot of Jason Robert Brown pieces and he writes very matter-of-fact lyrics. There's not much need for lyrical interpretation because he says exactly what he means. This has been a WONDERFUL thing to jump into because it leaves the "what is really going on here" guess work out of it. (Don't get me wrong, I LOVE interpreting pieces, but it's a nice change of pace.)
HOWEVER, due to the blatant nature of the pieces, there's no way to hide behind whatever wall I have built that has always protected me from being vulnerable on stage. This is quite possibly the most terrifying thing on the planet for me. It shouldn't be. There are 2 other people in the room and both of them love me and want me to succeed. It's not like I'm standing in front of the critiquing eyes of the voice majors in my undergrad. The environment we have this summer is very nurturing. This school is a great place to heal those many things that keep my wall steadily in place, but for some reason, I'm still unable to let go.
I have NO trouble playing the character roles. I will make a fool out of myself on stage any day of the week for the sake of the show, heck, I do that every day anyway, but typical character roles are one dimensional...The things we've been working on have multiple layers, and I'm having a hard time allowing myself to dig deep enough in front of others to show them.
It's affecting me though. Will isn't letting Ruthanne or me get away with keeping our guard up, and that's a good thing. I didn't realize that once you open this can of worms, it's hard to close it up at will, so I've been an emotional basket case for a couple weeks. (I just realized that's where the crazy has its roots, by the way). I'm finally stating to let some of those emotions come to the surface. I'm glad it's happening, but it's also a tough pill to swallow and in our lesson today, I had trouble managing those emotions. I'm not sure if all performers get like this, or if it's just me, but I can see how it's possible.
I'm not really sure if this post had any type of flow or not, but I don't really care. I'm just glad it's all out!
1 year ago
3 comments:
You're doing great. I'm actually very much in the same boat as you, which is probably why I can tell when you put up your defenses. Hang in there. Use those emotions. Performing is harder than most people realize, and all the best actors CRAZY. Thanks for sharing this. Once you can get a better grip/let go of your emotions, the sky is the limit for you.
I can't speak for every other performer, but yes, I am crazy and emotional when it comes to performing. But I have to be...I mean, you are creating a seperate personality in every piece and show so you kind of have to have a wide variety of emotions to tap into at a moments notice. But you need to know how to drop it the moment you step out of that character...some people don't know where the character ends and they begin. Don't be that guy.
It is hard to let your emotional guard down. I think that since I was in theater for so long before I started singing classically it was easier for me to throw that background into my performances. It just takes time to develop.
So don't think that you are weird or crazy...well, you are crazy, but in the normal dose kind of way. I love you. Keep doing what you are doing...I'm glad to hear that you are starting to break down that wall. It'll get better. Promise!
I'm sure you're doing a wonderful job!! :)
Post a Comment