Nostalgia

(I wrote this in a Word document last night because my internet has been down.)

I can’t sleep tonight. I find myself on the verge of tears every five minutes or so. My mind is racing with movie clip versions of memories – one right after the other, in no particular sequence. I relive a moment from middle school and then right after that is junior prom. This nostalgia often comes coupled with the contemplation of relationships I’ve had, and where they are now. Tonight is no different. The first place I naturally go is to relationships with those who’ve passed. The memories are so vivid that I can actually see it all happen over again.

I see myself sitting at Josh’s computer with him and Crystal as they introduced me to homestarrunner.com. She insisted that I watch the ‘Fluffy Puff Marshmallow Commercial’ and one about a jump roping contest…I was hooked right away. She looked gorgeous that day, and I couldn’t even tell she was wearing a wig…

That was the last time I saw her.

I can see Matt dancing around the stage as a Russian in the bar scene of Fiddler on the Roof. The rest of the cast and I would always watch that scene from backstage…every night. To this day when I see a color guard do the bottle dance I think of him. Two weeks before he died, he saw my mom and asked about me. I was really upset that I wasn’t in town until the following weekend. I can’t even remember the last time I saw him…

After all the memories of lost loved ones pass (there are many more), I go straight into seeing what seems like my entire life. I can still remember seeing Bethany the night we became best friends. We were in the 6^th grade at a sleepover. I’d never seen her in my life, and on May 24, I will be her maid of honor. Thinking about Bethany comes all the ridiculous things we’ve done…making up our own modern dance version of the Russian song from The Nutcracker…trying to cook together…dances…church lock-ins…choir…

These thoughts don’t take time to pause and let me look longer…they just keep going to the next one. After my closest high school and college friends comes the part that really makes my heart ache…

Where are we all now?

Some are in other states, some are still at home, some are getting married in a couple weeks others in a few months. Some have just come back into my life and others have recently moved away. I’ve had reunions where we all talked about the old times all the while acting as if we didn’t realize the group of us would never be in the same place altogether again…deep down we all knew. Those are the times when hugs are longer and tighter, and tears are choked back until the friends become small figures in the rearview mirror.

I’m about to move home to a place that I could navigate in my sleep. A place where everything is different, but nothing’s really changed. Part of me dreads it. Like honest to goodness dread because I never thought I’d live there again. My friends who are there have husbands and babies and real jobs and it’s all completely surreal to me. When I’m home, I think about how we used to talk about having babies and husbands and how the biggest responsibility we had was taking out the trash…now they are living that part of their lives. It’s a pretty hard concept to grasp, tonight more so than usual.

There is a part of me that’s excited to go back home though albeit a small part…it’s still a part. I’m looking forward to rekindling some of those relationships that have faded into memories. I’m excited about hanging out with my parents. I’m pumped about not paying bills!

…but I’m still terrified.

I don’t want to leave my friends. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so reluctant to hang out with any of them. I’m leaving in a little over a month and honestly, I think I’m scared of getting any closer because I know it’s almost over. I’ve never been one to push people away just because circumstances were changing, but maybe I’m turning into one of them. Do you know how many times I’ve been asked to do something, but declined for absolutely no reason? A lot. I don’t really enjoy sitting on my couch watching movies by myself for hours (sometimes I love it)…but that’s what daily life looks like for me. I come home from work, lay around on the couch watching horrible reruns of dumb shows, eat (maybe), decline invitations to do anything that wasn’t scheduled ahead of time, call Bryan, barely say two words, get really sleepy, go to bed (which sometimes means I sleep all night, and sometimes *like tonight* I stare at the ceiling trying to get my brain to be quiet), then I get up and do it all the next day.

I don’t think my life sucks or anything like that (don’t get me wrong), I just realize that I’m making excuses to keep from spending time with people…I’m going to kick myself for that when I’m having another one of these nights in about 6 months. I think I’ve just decided to make the most of it, instead of balling up on the couch for hours.

This entry really helped…

hmm