What is my problem?

Warning:
Stream-of-consciousness post follows

I don't know what my deal is, but I suck.

When did I become this lazy?
I don't practice.
I don't read for class.
I don't read the Bible.
I'm annoyed over the stupidest things.

What is wrong with me?

I believe it has everything to do with the statement "I don't read the Bible".
How selfish am I that I can't even find a single minute in my "busy" day to spend time with the Lord everlasting, the Creator of the ends of the earth!? What do I do all day!? Certainly none of the things I'm supposed to be doing.

I go to class.
I do my work for class.
I don't particularly enjoy it, but I don't hate it either...until it comes to conducting. The only reason I dislike conducting?
I'm not good at it!
I get so frustrated with myself for not being able to do what I want my hands to do! I basically shut down and become unable to be helped. I dread that class everyday because the last thing I want is for people picking apart a skill that I already know I don't have.
That's dumb!
That's why I'm in the class!!!

I feel more uncomfortable in my own skin than I ever remember feeling.
I feel like I should be more talented than I am.
I feel hurt that friends haven't responded to things I've sent them.
I feel hurt that I have no idea why I've been phased out of having a say in anything that happens with the group.
I feel taken for granted.

Who am I?
No one!
I'm not entitled to anything! I have this very American way of thinking that I should have the 'right' to this that or the other thing.
Let me tell you what! When I get out of my own way and stop relying on feelings (the least reliable form of truth in the world) and I take a good, long look in the mirror...
I see a sinner who constantly chooses other things over God! I'm living as if I never knew Him at all! Why in the WORLD aren't things worse!?
I deny His existence my very life, but He still sees me through Christ!
All my sins, all my offenses against this pure and Holy God are washed away because He loved me so much, He sent his only Son to die for those offenses, so I didn't have to! When God looks at this wretched person I am, He doesn't see the lazy, whiny, thankless person...He sees His daughter!
I am SO thankful for that!
Why don't I live like I know that's true!?
The fact that I am a child of God is THE most TRUE thing about me, but I don't live that way.
I live a life that puts God in a bubble with all these restrictions and limits.


Have you know known?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the Everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
His understanding is unsearchable!
He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint!
Isaiah 40:28-31

Father,
How I need you to break my heart, Lord!! I want to live out these truths! I want to be BOLD! Crucify this horrible attitude I've had!