What is my problem?

Warning:
Stream-of-consciousness post follows

I don't know what my deal is, but I suck.

When did I become this lazy?
I don't practice.
I don't read for class.
I don't read the Bible.
I'm annoyed over the stupidest things.

What is wrong with me?

I believe it has everything to do with the statement "I don't read the Bible".
How selfish am I that I can't even find a single minute in my "busy" day to spend time with the Lord everlasting, the Creator of the ends of the earth!? What do I do all day!? Certainly none of the things I'm supposed to be doing.

I go to class.
I do my work for class.
I don't particularly enjoy it, but I don't hate it either...until it comes to conducting. The only reason I dislike conducting?
I'm not good at it!
I get so frustrated with myself for not being able to do what I want my hands to do! I basically shut down and become unable to be helped. I dread that class everyday because the last thing I want is for people picking apart a skill that I already know I don't have.
That's dumb!
That's why I'm in the class!!!

I feel more uncomfortable in my own skin than I ever remember feeling.
I feel like I should be more talented than I am.
I feel hurt that friends haven't responded to things I've sent them.
I feel hurt that I have no idea why I've been phased out of having a say in anything that happens with the group.
I feel taken for granted.

Who am I?
No one!
I'm not entitled to anything! I have this very American way of thinking that I should have the 'right' to this that or the other thing.
Let me tell you what! When I get out of my own way and stop relying on feelings (the least reliable form of truth in the world) and I take a good, long look in the mirror...
I see a sinner who constantly chooses other things over God! I'm living as if I never knew Him at all! Why in the WORLD aren't things worse!?
I deny His existence my very life, but He still sees me through Christ!
All my sins, all my offenses against this pure and Holy God are washed away because He loved me so much, He sent his only Son to die for those offenses, so I didn't have to! When God looks at this wretched person I am, He doesn't see the lazy, whiny, thankless person...He sees His daughter!
I am SO thankful for that!
Why don't I live like I know that's true!?
The fact that I am a child of God is THE most TRUE thing about me, but I don't live that way.
I live a life that puts God in a bubble with all these restrictions and limits.


Have you know known?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the Everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
His understanding is unsearchable!
He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint!
Isaiah 40:28-31

Father,
How I need you to break my heart, Lord!! I want to live out these truths! I want to be BOLD! Crucify this horrible attitude I've had!

...in the workplace

Today, I mistakenly left my phone in a locker without a lock at work this evening. My phone was stolen 2 months before my wedding because of the same negligence on my part...I accidentally left it in the locker instead of in my pocket or car.
Today...the replacement phone was stolen again. This is the first time I've had my purse/phone at work since the incident but because I needed to have girl things with me all day, I took it in (purposely leaving my wallet outside). He/she opened my purse (again) and took my phone (again).

It's very hard to know that I am one of the nicest people working there, and I've had something taken from me two times. (I think it's by the same person...I have a suspicion.) I PRAY that I handled it with grace and mercy. I told my manager what happened...he knew I was upset, but I was trying to handle it in a manner worthy of the gospel. I didn't yell, I didn't cuss, (I wanted to!) I really wanted to walk straight up to the guy and scream at him to empty his pockets, but I couldn't. Praise the LORD I couldn't. Our manager, Kevin, called everyone to the back, said what happened, mentioned that we have cameras that they'll be going through in the morning, and gave he/she a chance to turn the phone in by anonymously placing it on the office desk. My co-workers kept checking on me and telling me that they'd be yelling and punching things and they couldn't understand why I wasn't. I really pray that they could see the love of Christ in me...that they saw something different in the way I reacted. I pray that the person who took my phone knows I forgive them, and I forgave them the last time (whether it was the same person or not). It's just a phone. It's a thing. I feel worse because the phone was a gift from my mother-in-law and she paid to replace it last time.

To be honest, I'm more upset with myself for my mistake. That's not a habit...leaving things in my locker. It's happened twice...and both times, it's been because I forgot that day to take it out and keep it in my car or pocket.

To be really honest...it's hard for me to walk back in there. Knowing that someone I am nice to every shift purposely stole something from me (maybe even twice). That sucks ya know. But I know that in life, things get messy...you get hurt and the people I work with are hurting much worse than simply being out a phone (or two). We need the gospel! We need to see real faith being lived out. So many of my co-workers have been burned by the church and Christians who profess Christ's love, but live contradictory lifestyles. I know I'm supposed to stay there and let them see that my hope doesn't lie in the things of this world. My hope is in Christ Jesus and He's already won the battle! Walking back in there tomorrow morning will be difficult...it will be more difficult on Wednesday when I'm on the same shift with everyone, and worse on Friday when the exact same people are present, but I know beyond the shadow of a doubt, my strength comes from God and the hope of what I KNOW to be true in His Son! I just pray that someone sees that.

Attention Christian men: Stop acting like boys

I feel the need to speak on an issue that doesn't get addressed enough.
Christian men, stop dragging women along if you have no interest in them. For the life of me, I cannot understand why you continue to invest emotional energy in the women in your life if you have no interest in pursuing a relationship with them. I'm not talking about causal friends who just happen to hang out once in awhile and have surface level conversations. I'm talking about the guys who give specialized attention to one of their female friends on a consistent basis with no intentions of the relationship progressing whatsoever.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO A WOMAN'S HEART!

I have multiple friends (3 without even dwelling on it) in this situation:
A guy starts hanging out with her alone consistently, texting her constantly, giving her compliments on a regular basis, having her spend time with his family, etc. He doesn't do this with anyone else. It's not as if she is part of a group of people he is inviting to do all these things. When asked by the girl, or others, what his intentions are, he gives generic responses like "I'm not ready for a relationship" or "I don't really know how I feel about you, I need time to think" or any of those generic statements women hear. If the guy doesn't feel anything beyond platonic feelings for said girl, he should change how he is treating her because obviously, he's given her the wrong impression. I understand how this happens. Sometimes, guys are just completely oblivious to the situation, but once it's brought into the light, he needs to man up and change his behavior.

First of all, the girl shouldn't have to sit you, the man, down to have a chat about this. You should make your intentions clear from the beginning. If you are interested, GREAT! If you're not, stop acting like it! Perhaps you didn't realize the magnitude of your actions. So, once this has been brought to your attention, you need to be very cautious about how you handle this delicate friendship. Simply stating that you are not ready for a relationship does NOTHING to remedy the situation without seriously tweaking the way you interact with her. You can tell her you're not interested until you're blue in the face, but if you still text her constantly, invite her to hang out alone, etc. it's your problem, not hers for 'reading to too much into it' which females get accused of enough as it is.

Men - If you have a guy friend who is doing this to a girl, you need to man up and tell him how it is! Stop sucking as friends and rebuke your brother(s) in Christ!

And to the ladies (who aren't completely without fault in some cases) - If a guy tells you he's not interested, but continues to treat you like he is...you need to stop wasting your time. Let it be known that he is not acting like a man of Christ, then cut him out. In the same way that his actions speak louder than his words (in regards to continuing to treat you the same even after the "conversation") your actions speak louder than words as well. Simply telling him he's being a tool while allowing him to get away with toying with your heart will do him no good in the future.

Anyway, sorry I just went on and on about that, but I'm very frustrated with Christian men who act like babies and the men (and women) who let them get away with it.

Bottom line:
Stop acting like tools. Man up and start acting in a manner worthy of the gospel!

apartment chaos

Our apartment is still in the "settling in" stage of its existence. We finally finished all the painting and things, but there are still many items without a "home".
For example, my bookshelf broke, so it's now only 3 shelves instead of 5, so all of my binders from past music classes that I actually need to keep, are piled up under the coffee table with many more stacked to the side in a corner. All of the other books that didn't fit in that 5 shelf bookshelf initially, are sitting on the floor of the office along with all the wedding gifts that need to be returned, given away, or put on the walls. I put trash out on the porch the other night, forgot about it, and something got into it creating a mess and a warning phone call from the office that we received at 730 this morning. And to top off my over-dramatic retelling of the "mess" that is my life (I meant that sarcastically because you see, I know I'm over reacting) my kitchen was a MESS! *Why is it that no matter how many times you clean your kitchen, or how often, it's still messy?*
So, the day started off crappy, and continued with me scrubbing my kitchen and picking up everything I own (with the exception of the bedroom - that's another story) while tears were streaming down my face because I was so frustrated that I still had stuff everywhere.

Now, I know this is a season. We're not settled in all the way, our classes are JUST getting into the swing of things, B started a new job, I have a slight schedule change with my job, etc, but I have NO idea what caused me to flip out this morning. I'm just very glad the husband was already gone because I would have taken this irrational crap out on him.



Ok, I feel better!
<3

Addiction

If you're a SYTYCD fan, you've probably already seen this video, but I ran across it the other day, and I can't stop watching it!

The song is called "Gravity" by Sara Bareillas and the name of the piece is called "Addiction". I love modern dance and this piece makes me cry almost every time I watch it.


Enjoy!










AND as an extra, from a few seasons ago:

Sojourn Community Church

My Tylenol PM is kicking in, so I can't really write a post on the topic of how amazing Sojourn is, but you can check them out here:

Sojourn Community Church
(I tried to make it a link, but it was being silly
You can thank your husband).


I'll write more about why it is such a great community when I am not about to fall asleep!

BBQ RIB SUCCESS!

Hello loves!
In my last post, I mentioned that I was making Bryan BBQ Ribs in the slow cooker! I also said that if they turned out well, I'd share the recipe!
WELL they were AMAZING! I was very surprised and super impressed! I've never made ribs ever...and I've never made anything in the crock pot either, SO I was super pumped to start!
I got the recipe from Taste of Home magazine, their August & September 2009 issue! It seriously took 15 minutes to prep this morning and then I just left them all day!


Secret's in the Sauce BBQ Ribs:
2 racks pork baby back ribs (about 4-1/2 lbs)
1-1/2 tsp. pepper
2-1/2 cups barbecue sauce (I chose KC Masterpiece Original)
3/4 cup cherry preserves
1 Tbsp. Dijon mustard (Kroger brand for me)
1 garlic clove, minced (I used a tsp. of the pre-minced stuff because I don't go through enough fresh garlic to buy an entire clove.)

Cut rings into serving-size pieces; sprinkle with pepper. Place in a 5 or 6 quart slow cooker. (I only used 1 rack in my 4 quart cooker and froze the other rack). Combine the remaining ingredients; pour over ribs.

Cover and cook on low for 6-8 hours or until meat is tender. Serve with sauce. (I only had to cook mine for 5...they were already falling off the bone!)




These ribs were so good!! They fell right off the bone. B LOVED them! I threw together some frozen mixed veggies and we had a nice meal!
I've decided that crock pot meals are the WAY TO GO, especially since I will be working dinner shifts 3 nights a week. B can most certainly help himself to a great dinner without having much kitchen knowledge or having to order take-out!

<3
YaY!
I think I'm starting to REALLY like this cooking thing!!!

Next task:
From the same issue of Taste of Home: Gooey Chocolate Cookies!
Tonight?
Perhaps!